194. ✒️ A letter to Terry: #25-01

Going back to school, and considering the most useful components for a multitool.

Jan 15, 2025

a blue sign that says one on it — Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash

In which Rebecca looks forward to a forthcoming course, despairs of negative reverse selling tactics and wonders whether cows really should be raised on pastures of herbs and yoghurt.

✒️

This is the latest letter in my regular, informal correspondence with Substacker and fellow Brit Terry Freedman, in which we take it in turns to delve into the things that British people talk about the most. So that you can explore these unashamed clichés for yourself we’re inviting you to read our letters over our shoulders.

Dear Terry,

Many thanks for your latest letter, which has launched the third year of our continuing correspondence with due ceremony! I’d missed you ~~slightly~~ during the Christmas break, and it’s nice to get back into our writing routine.

📚 New year, new number

2025, eh? Blimey, those numbers are racking up! There always seems to be a lot of pressure and expectation attached to the new year, doesn’t there? I mean, resolutions and new contracts-with-self to – I don’t know – join the gym, commit to a 365-day streak of running a daily 5k, and all those kinds of things. I felt much better about not setting any such expectations for myself when I spotted this on Apple News last week:

Screenshot taken from Apple News from a tweet shared on Buzzfeed on January 5th

🏫 Starting school

Terry, I’m going back to school – which, of course, you know because you’re the one who’ll be teaching the course. Although I already learn such a lot from your ~~relentless~~ erudite content here on Substack I had decided to formalise this teacher/pupil relationship by signing up to ‘The 60-minute writer’ course which you’re teaching on Zoom for CityLit for the next eleven Tuesdays. I’ve been looking forward to it, and at the time you receive this letter the first session will have been accomplished!

✔️ Right… or wrong? ❌

Will you be admonishing your 60-minute students for using incorrect grammar or syntax, Terry? I’m sure not, but I wonder what you think of this for a sentence, which I found in a recent Daily Telegraph article about doner kebabs:

A true doner can only be made of chicken, lamb, or beef from a cow that is at least 18 months old and which has been marinated in yoghurt and herbs.

Now, if the beef is 18 months old, well, I identify that as a problem straight off the bat. And if it’s the cow that’s 18 months old, well, how long does one have to marinate the animal in the yoghurt and herbs? Presumably that happens in the field where the herd is grazing, in which case does the farmer need to remove acres of pasture in favour of seeding the ground with herbs, and cross his or her fingers that it’s going to be raining yoghurt? 🤔

Terry, it’s a worry. Am I missing something in the sentence structure here, or is this just really clever marketing on the part of the kebab industry?

🛍️ Is this even a selling point?

Marketing’s a minefield at the best of times. I spotted an advertorial on an online news site for an M&S jumper during the inevitable tidalwave of marketing material which was polluting my vision and getting in the way of real reports during the post-Christmas sales.

The headline was this:

Marks and Spencer’s £25 jumper is non-itchy and shoppers are buying in every colour.

‘Non-itchy’? Terry, I’d hardly call this a sales pitch! What’s next? ‘Socks without holes in’? ‘Raincoats which don’t leak’? 🙄

🔨 Multitasking with every tool at once

Jim was given a fabulous multitool for Christmas which incorporated the following gadgets:

Pliers
Wire cutters
Saw
Files
Ruler
Screwdrivers
Knife
Scissors
Awl
Can opener

It got me to thinking what I might like to see included in my own ideal multitool, and have come up with a shortlist of my own can’t-do-without apparatus:

Kettle
Teaspoon
Immersion blender
TV remote control
Notebook
Pen
Spare pen
Paring knife
Tweezers
Nail clippers

I’m not entirely sure that my mash-up of machinery would fit neatly in the one unit, never mind something which would fit into a handy pouch to wear on my belt, but hey, there might just be a ~~bonkers inventor~~ product designer reading this letter over your shoulder who could come up with the goods. Terry, I’m not going to rule it out!

🐐 A goat is a goat, surely? Or is it a GOAT?

I’m glad you’d given the definition of the GOAT acronym for those who might not know that it stands for Greatest of All Time. I’d never heard the term before watching an interview with Olympic gymnastics multimedallist Simone Biles last summer, in which she was being asked about the gold necklace of a goat she was wearing. I had to hit Google in the end to find out about how on earth the word ‘goat’ could mean anything other than a mammal of the caprine category, because I had no idea.

Yup, must be getting old.

🦠 Going viral

I’m not surprised that the Big Data Infographic you showed me had gone viral – it’s impressive. Here it is for anyone looking over our shoulders who might not have seen it in your letter to me:

Infographic by Terry Freedman reproduced here with permission

‘Have you ever had anything go viral, apart from a cold?’ you asked me. Well, no, I don’t think so. In fact, I spurn most circumstances under which going viral could ever happen, and, much like a hand sanitiser, I prefer to cultivate a state that is antiviral. I mean, that’s just common sense.

For the sake of the world at large I hope the maniacal laugh which you’d so ~~thoughtfully~~ recklessly included in your letter does not go viral. Terry, I haven’t slept for a week. 👀

🧐 Joined-up thinking

Do you watch the BBC2 quiz show ‘Only Connect’? I hope not, because I’ve pinched one of the questions from the January 6th edition with which to confound you. Here goes:

What’s the connection between these four words?
Toyota
Sensuousness
Booby
Ananas

I look forward to your answer!

📚 Reading, not writing

As I said at the start of this letter – my first in 2025 – it’s nice to get back into a routine. Over Christmas I spent a great deal of time reading books, listening to audiobooks and making art. I didn’t spend much time at all either reading or writing on Substack.

I’ve recently finished the terrific Wintering by Katherine May, and have picked up two books again which I’d put on hold for a bit – artist Danny Gregory’s graphic memoir Everyday Matters, and Around the World in 80 Books by David Damrosch. I’m enjoying both immensely.

Seeking an adjunctive audiobook to enjoy alongside my hard-copy reading (although not simultaneously, because that would be bananas) I was scrolling through the Libby app last week and stumbled across the 18-hour recording Becoming by Michelle Obama, read by the author. Having been brought up on spoken-word radio – thank you, BBC Radio 4 🙌 – I’m used to having something to listen to whenever I’m doing chores, or just when I’m relaxing, and although listening to so many hours of a single work seemed a daunting prospect I’m absolutely hooked. The fact that I’d chosen Michelle Obama’s memoir was a bit of a surprise even to me, actually, given that I tend to seek out writing by travellers and adventurers, but Becoming is an absolutely terrific specimen of the genre, and I’m finding it absolutely fascinating.

One day, Terry, perhaps I’ll publish my own memoir. Personal narrative is my favourite kind of read, which I suppose is why I most enjoy writing that kind of thing. Between you and me – so please don’t tell the teacher – I’m hoping that the 60-minute writer course will perhaps expand my writing horizons to a little way beyond my own story.

D’you think it might?

All the very best, as ever,

Rebecca

Dear Reader, I'm lost

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