188. Too hot to handle

The unthinkable has happened: my tea-drinking hyperhabit has finally killed our kettle.

In which Rebecca admits to a charge of kettle cruelty, explores this most important piece of kitchen equipment and shares her surprise at how some people use theirs.

Kettle
/’kɛtl/
A container or device in which water is boiled, having a lid, spout and handle.

Dear Reader,

When our electric kettle bit the dust and the resulting headlines in our three local rags led to noisy demonstrations from the community demanding more responsible kettle care here at Chateau Snaps, it was touch and go as to whether we would meet the stringent criteria required to pledge our commitment to a new one.

📰 SHE BOILED IT TO DEATH‼️

📰 IT DIDN’T STAND A CHANCE‼️

📰 YES, REBECCA, TOO MUCH TEA REALLY IS A THING‼️

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The correct paperwork having at last been signed and notarised, in time a delivery driver bearing a parcel in discreet packaging rang the doorbell. He was clearly trying to conceal his conclusions about its contents.

Created using image generator, keywords ‘suspicious delivery’

I read his mind. ‘I know your game!’ it told me. ‘You killed your last kettle with your unrelenting demands, and the poor innocent fool in this box is about to be subjected to similarly brutal overuse.’

He forced a smile.
And I saw right through it.

I brought the box inside to unpack, and followed the instructions set out in the manual to fill it with water, put it on to boil and then pour the water away.

‘Blimey, that thing’s THREE TIMES LOUDER than the last one!’ came a voice I could barely hear above the bubbling hubbub from our new gadget.
‘Can’t you shut the DOOR?’

Photo by Dan Counsell on Unsplash

I closed it immediately, not just because the noise was disturbing Jim but because I didn’t want the kettle to take offence at any further comments it might overhear. I intended to try to be kind to it.

Grotty first-boiled water duly disposed of, I part-filled the kettle for a celebratory round of tea to welcome our friend to its new home.

‘I’m going to test it!’ I yelled. ‘Want a brew?’

‘I CAN’T HEAR YOU!’ came the muffled reply. ‘YOU’VE GOT THE DOOR SHUT!’

🙄

---

While I stirred our drinks I made a new-kettle resolution: to reduce my tea consumption to ensure its longevity. In an instant I’d pledged to reduce my hourly cup of tea routine by fifty per cent, and with my new limit set to stretch a single cuppa out to two hours I felt I’d be giving our new kettle at least the chance of a long life.

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🫖 Generational guidelines for boiling the kettle

The taps on Granny and Grandfather’s deep kitchen sink were huge, their traditional x-shaped handles impossible to turn without using the metal claw which hung from a hook on the wall. On the worktop was a large enamel water jug which was kept full at all times to supply the kettle, and woe betid anyone who ever left the jug empty and themselves duly exposed to culpability for any delays to the next round of tea.
Reader, refilling the jug as soon as it had been emptied into the kettle was law in that house. 👮‍♂️

And home had its own rules. Our oil-fired Aga range cooker was hot all day long and all year round, and our stovetop kettle would sit all on the warm surface beside the gleaming lid of the boiling plate, periodically being put on to boil whenever anybody fancied a brew. As soon as the drinks were made the kettle would be filled again from the cold tap and then put back in its place at the side of the Aga where it would begin to slowly warm ready for the next time it would be pressed into use for tea.

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🧑‍🍳 How about some breakfast? 🍳

Of course kettles can be used for tasks beyond just tea.

I was explaining the presence of an electric egg boiler in the kitchen of my old house to my elderly neighbour. Just like the one I’d grown up with, my cooker was an oil-fired range, but in contrast to my parents’ Aga the heat output of my more modern Rayburn was controllable and set by a timer. Although this meant it was only on when I was cooking, the bally thing would take such an age to heat up that I would never put it on just to boil a kettle or cook my breakfast eggs.

‘That’s why I’ve got this little gadget!’ I told my neighbour. ‘I just pop the eggs in, add the right amount of water, switch it on and they’re done a few minutes later!’

Taken from Lakeland.com. Disclaimer: mine is the previous model to this one, which has now been discontinued. This one is waaaaaay fancier than mine.

My neighbour raised an eyebrow. ‘When I left home and started work I was always pushed for time in the mornings. I’d put the kettle on, pop an egg straight into it, and once I’d made my cup of tea the egg would be perfectly soft-boiled. Why don’t you try that?’

Reader, I didn’t. 🤫

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Boiling eggs in a kettle is one thing, but Google has supplied me with a link to a frankly horrifying blog post which offers an entire menu of kettle-based cooking suggestions.

Some highlights (Reader, brace yourself):

• Cooking delicious meals doesn’t have to be a daunting task, especially for bachelors¹ living a busy lifestyle.

• Beyond its primary function of boiling water, an electric kettle can be a versatile tool for cooking quick and easy meals.

• When cooking liquids like milk or syrup² in an electric kettle, it’s crucial to stir them constantly.

Creamy Pasta Delight
🍝
Add water to the electric kettle and bring it to a boil.
Once boiled, add the pasta.
Let it cook for about 8-10 minutes.
Drain the water and return the pasta to the kettle.
Pour in milk and add grated cheese.

• Cooking in an electric kettle is an art that practice makes perfect. With just a few simple ingredients, bachelors can create delicious and satisfying meals in no time.

• So, the next time you’re in the mood for a quick and hassle-free cooking experience, don’t hesitate to experiment with your electric kettle. Happy cooking!

‘Hassle-free’? Reader, imagine the mess…

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🚐 Steamy windows

When we first bought our campervan we would boil water in a traditional kettle on one of the gas rings.

At breakfast time we’d be making both our morning tea and coffee as well as two large flasks of the same to keep us going for the day ahead, and boiling another kettle-and-a-half of water for decanting into a saucepan on the second gas ring simply to boil my eggs was out of the question. Too much gas; too much time; too much STEAM.

Initially, of course, we were novice campers, and despite making use of the electric hook-up facilities at most campsites it hadn’t occurred to us that we could both minimise steam and maximise breakfast by installing both electric kettle and an egg boiler! 🙌

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🫖 The new rou-TEA-ne

Jim’s studio is just a five-minute walk from home, and while I haven’t been feeling well he’s been keeping in regular telephone contact.

He came home unexpectedly the other day, and was looking anxious as he kicked his boots off at the door.

‘I wasn’t expecting you back until later!’ I told him.

‘But you didn’t answer the PHONE! Are you okay???’

‘It hasn’t even rung!’ I was confused, but glanced over to the answering machine and spotted its red LED blinking accusingly.

‘I’ve rung twice and left two messages: one just over an hour ago, and again before I set off to check on you just now.’

I blushed and looked over to the cup of tea I’d just made. Jim’s eyes followed mine.

‘Ah, I see. You didn’t hear the phone.’ He winked as he turned to go. ‘How’s that reduction to your tea consumption going, if you’re still boiling the kettle precisely every sixty minutes?’

😉

Love,

Rebecca

📚 Regular readers of ‘Dear Reader, I’m Lost' will be no strangers to my ongoing light-hearted correspondence with fellow Brit

Terry Freedman

of

Eclecticism: Reflections on literature, writing and life

. It’s his turn to reply to me next Wednesday!

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1. Seriously? These recipes are particularly suited to you if you’re an unmarried male? Okaaaaaay……. 🤔

2. Milk? Syrup? Are you SURE?